Hellidays - When Bad Holidays Happen To Good People

It was Memorial Day Weekend while I was still in college. A couple of girlfriends and I decided to go camping without ever having done so in the past. For starters, it was record heat—in the upper 90s. It was pretty uncomfortable. It took us about three hours to set up the tent. Which smelled of mildew. So, after that chore was done, we gladly took a swim in the lake. By that point, it was time for dinner. Of course we had to make our food over an open fire! My friend Dawn proceeded to pull a Woodrow the Woodsman and wildly wield a small ax against a fallen log so we could have firewood. About three strokes in, the ax came down with a sickening thud into her shin. A couple seconds later, the wound began pouring blood. The closest hospital... read more

My mom hates bad neighborhoods. She has arranged her life in such a way that she never needs to see graffiti, witness someone cashing that county check, or inhale the urban aroma of a burning car down the corner. A triple-digit street number, no matter where it is, renders her cross-eyed and mute, with a bit of a grin, because it just sounds bad.

So, one April Fool's day, I decided to pull a prank on her that would put motherly instincts squarely at odds with her ghetto phobia.

I called and said "yeah, how're ya doin....? Me...fine...well, not really FINE...we have some car trouble, so we're at a pay phone down at 111th and Emerald, and we need someone to come pick us up...can you get in the car and give us a ride?" I wasn't qui... read more